1) Don’t wear expensive clothes. All you care about is the rich. 

2) Don’t wear cheap clothes. You’re such trailer trash.   

3) Don’t go to an Ivy League school. Talk about nepotism. You’d never get anywhere if it wasn’t for your family.

4) Don’t go to a non-Ivy League school. You think you’re qualified to be one heartbeat away from the presidency?

5) Don’t go to more than one school. What are you, an idiot?

6) Don’t be a devout Christian. What kind of fanatic doesn’t sleep in on Sundays? 

7) Don’t say the Supreme Court should strictly interpret the Constitution. Just say you wanna bring back slavery.

8) Don’t be a woman. You’re not. You’re a Fox News Fembot.

9) Don’t be a minority. Talk about losing touch with your roots.

10) Don’t be a veteran. Yeah, we honor your service, blah blah blah…but let’s face it, you just can’t get enough of war, can you?

11) Have no experience. When are you guys ever NOT going to nominate some old, white guy? Jeez, you’re such creatures of Washington.

12) Have a ton of experience. You think we’re just gonna let ANYBODY in the White House?

13) Look great on camera. Don’t lumber around like Robocop. Jeez, you’d think you’d had every bone in your body broken by the Viet Cong.

14) Don’t look great on camera. Sure, you’re hot. So are the Playboy bunnies. And they know more about foreign policy. So stop with these cynical, calculating attempts to win the ever-elusive adolescent male vote. 

15) Fight corruption in your own party. Because the GOP is RIFE with it.

16) Don’t fight corruption in your own party. Let’s face it, you don’t care about corruption. You care about feeding your ego, running rampant over the laws of order and decorum. Who are you, Eliot Ness? Stop with the delusions of grandeur.

17) Your kids had better be model citizens. I mean if you’re so great, it shouldn’t be that hard to run a household, right?

18) Your kids had better be screw-ups. After all we don’t want Stepford children who think it’s OK to join the military. Or be Mormon. 

1)                Wear expensive clothes. You’ve earned it! Way to go for overcoming the vast right-wing conspiracy!

2)                Wear cheap clothes. Giving a shout-out to my peeps in the trailer park. What a shrewd move to connect with racist, backwards voters.

3)                Go to an Ivy League school. Because you are the smartest thing we’ve ever seen.

4)                Go to a non-Ivy League school. You never had enough money to go. You’re from the streets -- Represent!

5)                Go to as many schools as you want. You were relentless in your pursuit of education despite the _____ (racism, sexism, etc.) that oppressed you.

6)                Be a devout Christian. Best case scenario – Black Liberation Theology becomes standard Christianity. Worst case scenario -- maybe some of those Evangelicals will finally vote Dem. 

7)                Talk about how much you despise slavery. Then go ahead and call Clarence Thomas, Thomas Sowell, hey, even Juan Williams “house negroes.” 

8)                Be a woman. Yay, finally, a woman in the White House!

9)                Be a minority. Yay, finally a minority in the White House!

10)            Be a veteran. Yay, finally a veteran that isn’t brainwashed into being a Republican.

11)            Have no experience. Yay, finally, a Washington outsider!

12)            Have a ton of experience. What a wise counselor you’ll be!

13)            Look great on camera. Ooh, boxers or briefs. And he plays the sax! And dances with Ellen! And shoots hoops! No wonder interns throw themselves at him. Sigh…

14)            Don’t look great on camera. How loveable. Sure he’s tried to botox and hair plug himself into hipness, God bless him. But there’s no way around it. He’s old and wise. Like Gandalf and Moses rolled into one. 

15)            Fight corruption in your own party. Be the first to revolt when your party attempts to do anything bi-partisan…like winning the war in Iraq.

16)            Don’t fight corruption in your own party. Don’t believe what you read, Spitzer was a crusader. No matter what the Republican Party will do to him, the ghosts of the Kennedies, Daleys and Huey Long will rise up for him. 

17)            Your kids should be model citizens. With an open mind, nothing is NOT model behavior.

18)            Your kids should be screw-ups. You are everyman. You are me. I am Al Gore.

19)            Make all the gaffes you want. Because it’s about the issues, people!